got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.