[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.