“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then