Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.