me opening up to someone
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Spa day..😅
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I feel seen.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I support this random dude and all his protests
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix