All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That鈥檚 not the entire expression?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
It鈥檚 so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they鈥檇 see a huge increase in membership.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: Evil always thinks it鈥檚 doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it鈥檚 going to be at least a month
me: ok I鈥檒l hold
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Attacked by a mop.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him