co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
this is literally a CIA plant
i hate you platonically
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.