me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Called it
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john