Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My first son he is wonderful
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.