I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
no one ever comes back
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.