Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
You Might Also Like
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.