[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
You Might Also Like
*limbos under the caution tape
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
This could’ve been an email.