55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I have two kinds of followers
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I’m confused about plants
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”