God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.