My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Meme Monday.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.