First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me