What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive