Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr