Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Name this drama.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.