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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…