I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
the icebreaker
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight