Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.