The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
This is why I hate group projects
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?