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Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.