Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*cough*
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*