[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Same post same
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
New menu item
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.