“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You Might Also Like
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
it must be school picture day
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”