I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My birth announcement for our third baby
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.