You Might Also Like
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Good point.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.