A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?