[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.