Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You Might Also Like
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The future is now.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.