The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.