When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
won’t smith
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy