Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
It’s a gift
Rooting for the overdog
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.