[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
You Might Also Like
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow