i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh