This is the best one I’ve seen
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
PARKOUR
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles