Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
You Might Also Like
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u