Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back