My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Saw your ex at the shops
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Good morning
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best