I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose