We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*pronounces fake like saké*
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic