I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
You Might Also Like
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey