Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.