Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows