what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
john wicks are toilet candles
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.