Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie