I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles