My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Two types of dogs.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.